Good Enough

Why do I pride myself on reading very quickly?

I do this thing when I read a book—any book—I read it as if I’m in a reading contest against someone, as if I need to break the record for reading this book in the shortest amount of time possible. I haven’t always been this way, and I’ve always loved reading, but I’ve noticed it more recently as an adult reader, and honestly, it’s exhausting.

Recently, while reading Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, I realized I was so hell bent on finishing this book in record time (what record, I don’t know!) that I didn’t give myself the time to digest what I was reading. This fact really hit me when I reached page 136 (“whoa already to 136!” I say to myself) and found a passage that literally talked about pausing. Doyle explains the meaning of selah—a word from the Hebrew Bible that is believed to be “a direction to the reader to stop reading and be still for a moment, because the previous idea is important enough to consider deeply.” 

A word I had never heard before, but I’ve been thinking about since reading it. 

I had been so focused on reading quickly, that I wasn’t observing the ask of selah. And even when I read about it I paused, re-read, sat for a moment (not long enough of a moment) and forged ahead, onto page 137 we goooo!

But the next morning (after having a good cry before bed about the state of the world and life as I know it) I had to really ask myself:

Why do I do that?

Why do I pride myself on reading very quickly?

My answer to myself (in my morning pages journal) was this:

Because in my mind it [reading fast, completing a book quickly] = smart, and smart = good? 

And good = I am good. 

That isn’t real math. And who cares how fast or slow I read if I’m not able to fully, deeply process what I’m reading? More and more I’ve realized my striving for goodness and how it not only exhausts me, but distracts me from being better than good: being present. 

What is good?

Who’s idea of good am I trying to live up to and why?

I’m not going to get a gold star or a sticker. It doesn’t make me better or more deserving of anything than anyone else. 

If everyone else considers me “good” what actual “good” does that do me (or the world) if I am feeling rushed, anxious, stressed, tired, annoyed, not present, and frankly not good! 

What does it matter? And who am I really trying to please? 

Sure, I want to be kind/compassionate/empathetic/loving/creative/ smart/strong/courageous/patient/thoughtful/funny/excel at whatever I do, but is that truly my idea of good; or is that the character description of the role I have so badly been trying to land my whole life? And who wrote this description? And who is directing this show? And what or how am I being compensated? Is it worth it? Am I being paid my worth to play this part? Why do I want this part if I’m tired, stressed, and frustrated so much of the time? 

What good is “good” doing me? 

I’m not so sure I care anymore about being good.

I care more about being present, creative, being love, being joy, being vulnerable, being a leader, a teammate, being Ellyn. That is far better, fuller, more beautiful to me than good. The world doesn’t need me to be good, the world needs me to show up and be me; and by doing that giving others permission and safe space to do the same. I want to give my best effort in all that I do because I want to help make this world a kinder, fairer, gentler, more joyful place. I can do that and it doesn’t have to be defined as “good” because it is enough.

I am trying hard to let go of the urge to be “good”. I am trying hard to trust that whatever I’m being, it’s enough. I think all that Life asks of us is to show up and do what we can. So I’m starting now, by at the very least showing up, trying not to worry if this is “good” and trust that more so it is enough. (But...let’s be honest, my inner critic aka Fear is truly raging right now!) 

I’m not sure what I’m doing—literally, I have no plan in place here—but it feels right and that is enough, so onward we go.